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Where are you Mum? My 3 year old asked, sat right next to me on a bench. A question I ignored the first time, not due to it’s rather obvious answer, because I knew that was not what he meant. I ignored it because I knew he was calling me out on my lack of presence, and it was jarring to hear. I didn’t know how to respond and didn’t have the capacity in my very busy mind to consider it. After a couple of flippant ‘I’m here’s, whilst continuing to think all the thoughts, I was forced to stop, take a deep breath (a parenting survival hack), and look him in the eye whilst I offered the same three words; I am here. His face softened, his body relaxed and after a moment of connection, he carried on eating his sandwich. The difference was that I was actually there. Physically and mentally. My presence signalled a message to him, one that allowed for a deeper connection between us. It was not just the words I was speaking but the embodiment of their meaning; I care, you are safe, you matter. Children depend on well attuned connection for their needs to be met, it is what defines our sense of attachment. However, the quality of our connections are essential in adult life too. The pandemic helped us to see just how important in a very real way. It allowed us to value the quality of our connections more than ever before. Unsurprising, therefore, that the government created an action plan specifically for tackling loneliness as a result. It also granted us an appreciation of physical presence, while video calls have become much more integrated into our lives, the subtleties of a flicker of lip, a dart of the eye, a shift in position are largely undetectable. We are unable to bring a whole self to the exchange. Pandemic behind us, we have slipped back into busyness, maybe not in the same way but we exist in a productivity culture where speed and quantity are rewarded so we understandably find less opportunity to be present with one another. Not only is our external world busy but our internal world too. Our attention is constantly interrupted by our biases, assumptions and often our emotional reactivity. All impacting on our ability to be fully present. Nevertheless, our need for meaningful non-judgemental connection remains paramount to our wellbeing in all aspects of our lives; family, friends, partners, children and in the workplace too. It is widely recognised in the workplace that active listening promotes greater connection between colleagues, and with better connection comes greater team success. Can ‘presence’ and ‘active listening’ be used interchangeably? Or is there more ‘presence’ can offer us? Active listening encourages us to become curious in our understanding by seeking clarification, as opposed to assuming, and summarising so as to demonstrate our listening. It also encourages us to become more aware of the emotions and body language of the speaker, supporting the notion that words are just part of the picture. The practice, therefore, goes some way to account for our own biases, whilst promoting awareness of nonverbal communication and valuing the exchange of understanding. It pushes us to seek and receive a greater amount of information than we may have before. Let’s now take a deeper dive into ‘presence’. Within the therapeutic setting ‘presence’ is very closely examined and cultivated so it may be a good place to glean some insights to gain clarity on what presence actually is and why it is essential for our ability to connect in a more meaningful way. The notable humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers considered presence to be the essential foundation within which the other critical conditions are held; empathy, authenticity and unconditional regard. Allowing us to be receptive to the wholeness of the other. Interestingly he suggested one can be present without being empathetic, but it is not possible to be empathetic without being fully present. Dr Shari Geller, an American psychologist whose focus is within this very realm, found that the very act of presence has been shown to activate neurophysiological mechanisms that signal safety, as such inviting a more open and trusting space even without the need of words. So what actually is presence? Dr Geller described it as the ability to bring our whole self to an exchange with another by being completely in the moment on a number of levels; physically, emotionally, cognitively and spiritually. So here, we start to see the differentiation between presence and active listening as we are invited to become more aware of what we bring to the exchange. Geller believes presence requires three components: ‘preparation’, ‘process’ and ‘experience’. ‘Preparation’ refers to an ongoing enquiry into personal growth, by way of journalling, therapy, mindfulness, or meditation. As we know, mindfulness is the practice of being able to see the world as it truly is, in the present moment, without our own manipulations, with unjudgmental curiosity and compassion. It makes sense, therefore, that with greater practice we would be able to create a more expansive and clearer space within us in order to receive information with less of our own bias and judgement. ‘Process’ represents the flow of the interaction between two people, where there is a receiving of the whole experience of the other whilst using our inner understanding to respond, all the while maintaining contact with the other by way of our physical and mental attention. Here, Eckhart Tolle beautifully describes this in motion, using the anchor of your inner body or breath to shift back into presence should our attention shift. Finally, ‘experience’ describes how grounded we feel within ourselves, as this can allow us to be fully immersed whilst also being open to what may arise. This could also be described as embodied awareness or embodied listening. Our body holds so much wisdom and truth, it constantly speaks to us, but we have not been taught to listen. Nevertheless, it serves as an opportunity for greater wisdom when we connect with others; the sensations we are feeling provide us with valuable information. Using our body as a listening tool is not yet a widely adopted practice outside of the therapeutic setting, however our body is wired to detect and signal signs of connection and safety by way of our nervous system. This may look like answers to; how at ease am I feeling as I talk with this person, is my heart racing, how is my voice, are my arms crossed or open, am I leant forward or back, are my hands clenched or fidgety. It can allow us to tune into what is not being said which often just as important as what is being said. Here, Alan Fogal illustrates the benefits of embodied awareness for our own healing too. Our state of presence impacts on the quality of our connection with colleagues, loved ones, children. It is not only our ears and eyes that are communicating, but our whole physicality both on and under the surface whether we want to be aware of it or not. To be fully present requires a lot from us. It is not an isolated event but a constant practice. It is vulnerability and safety. It is me in you and you in me. It is our mind, body and soul. It is the fundamental condition for meaningful, unbiased and compassionate connection. A connection where we can be our whole self. As Elisha Goldstein describes; when we are dying it will be the people we love that we wish to remember and cherish most. We want to look back at our lives knowing we were really there in those precious moments and we gave the people in our lives the greatest chance to be who they really are. Our presence is not only a gift we can bestow on others but on ourselves too. It says I care, you are safe, you matter. The whole of you. Geller, S. M. (2013). Therapeutic Presence: An Essential Way
of Being. In Cooper, M.,Schmid, P. F., O'Hara, M., & Bohart, A. C. (Eds.).
The Handbook of Person-Centred Psychotherapy and Counselling (2nd ed.), pp.
209-222. Basingstoke: Palgrave. http://www.sharigeller.ca/_images/pdfs/Final_version_for_Handbook_of_PC-therapeutic_presence_Chapter_14.pdf https://www.researchgate.net/publication/280321670_Therapeutic_Presence_NeuroPhysiological_Mechanisms_Mediating_Feeling_Safe_in_Therapeutic_Relationships
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